for you so that

7.7.13-7.13.13

continued from week 27…

I sent Spencer in through the house to meet me at the front door. I pulled the envelope off the door and opened it, only to read “Urgent Notice” regarding our past due mortgage from Wells Fargo.

I stagger to get up the foyer stairs. If Spencer wasn’t here I’d have collapsed flat on the floor in desperation to understand what to do next. 

My utterances… “Lord Jesus I’m willing, I’m willing, I’m willing.” 

Feeling trapped, confused, frustrated and soberly crying, I leave my coat on and fall on the sofa beside the window, which provided me a few fleeting moments of warmth from the rays of sunlight.

I tried calling Ryan. No answer.

What should I do? I am asking. I am waiting expectantly. What should I do?

Through tears I see my Spencer, my tender-hearted Spencer wondering what’s wrong. He brings me tissues and tells me “It will be okay” and further asks “What’s wrong Mommy?” To which I answer, “Oh honey, I’m just frustrated.”

Continuing to think to myself, should I call someone else? No.

Jesus, most don’t understand us having peace because we are following Your lead yet our circumstances are screaming otherwise. I’m still crying and I say out loud to Spencer as he’s sitting next to me, “I’m just waiting for God to show Himself” and… as I lowered my hand to my lap, clutching my phone, knowing NO ONE ELSE is meant to explain away these circumstances, and I am… STILL to hope and trust that my Jesus and the gift of His Spirit in me will prevail against all else, my phone rings.

I see who the caller is and I instantly know God was giving Himself to me through this person. In that same moment, I felt from the crown of my head, washing over my entire body, a warm pouring out of… Your love God.

God, in that split second I gained a new understanding of how incredible You are. You could have split my house open and swallowed me into the earth because of my desperate statement of “just waiting for You to show Yourself” but you didn’t. Instead, in Your lovingkindness You gave Your tangible love. You lavished me. You saw me. You heard me. You knew my heart and blessed me. I’m simply undone.

I answer the phone and through my sobbing the person calling hears me ask, “Did God just tell you to call me?” The reply is “Yes, and I’ll wait right here until you tell me what you need to tell me.”

Really? An instant miracle?!? An instant answer?!? 

But… this answer, this gift from God Almighty required something of me…

to be continued…

for my fellow music lovers, playlist from July 2013