for you so that

continued from Week 44

I am sharing a bit from my journal because it has within it much you may relate to. May you know you are not alone in all you are walking out and may your heart be lightened by The One who has made you.

Journal Entry April 4, 2013

Lately there is a felt fight for my soul yet not to the point of my doubting You, God. You are who You say You are, but Your Spirit within me seems squelched. It has been rough mentally! It’s as though I’ve been plopped into the mortar and around and around the pestle goes, making it impossible for there to be fruit.

How did the enemy get a grip on me in this way? What have I opened myself up to that has me fighting anxiousness? 

Forgive me Father for losing sight of all You are placing before me and instead fretting about our life circumstances, desiring to know and to control.

I need Thee, oh I need Thee, every hour I need Thee. Today, tomorrow and forever be close enough that instantly Your Word is spoken within me and it rebukes all the lies I am fighting against.

You have perfectly crafted my life to bring me to right here, right now, and I submit to You. I surrender all to Your will, Your timing, Your Spirit and all You will continue to bring forth. May Your Words be so strong within me that everything is kept in Your eternal perspective not at all using the filter of my human finite brain.

POWER! I believe all You say regarding Your Living Spirit within me, You are showing me how We’ve got this. 

Thank you for last night with Ryan. Thank you for letting my heart be bent towards You so that I can be obedient to homeschool. Thank you for Melissa and her willingness to support me. Thank you for Laura and her baby to come. Lead me in letting the things – You’ve told me are important – actually be what is reflected in my calendar. 

Today, while it is still dark and You see my heart, fill me up so I can be poured out. May I stay and remain 100% on the path You’ve set before me using the gifts You’ve given me. Lord, through You, let this be true, for I am weak. With You our family has strength, and You’ve got us!

Another gift from You is, I can feel the shift within my heart being turned towards the children in a new way. As I have zig-zagged through Scripture this morning and this is what You have given me… Thank you! 

Malachi 4, Elijah’s preaching will aid in turning the hearts of parents to their children and the hearts of the children to their parents. Malachi gives us practical guidelines re:committing to You. You deserve the best we have to offer (1:7-10). We are to be willing to change our ill ways of living (2:1-2). We are to make our family a life long priority (2:13-16). We are to be sensitive to Your refining process in our lives.

Breathe out doubt.

Breathe in trust and assurance.

From these truths let my faith be continually put into action.

Open my eyes to You today. To Your Spirit I yield. Attack within me the doubt and defeat I am feeling and restore to me the fervor of Your power, Your love, Your joy, Your peace, Your patience, Your kindness, Your goodness, Your faithfulness and Your gift of self-control for me.

Thank you for the gift of Cara and our time in the car. 

May Sara hear You above all the mental noise and may she know how beautiful and talented she is! Speak into both her and Rachel, who they truly ARE!

I love You Lord! As You lead me today, I desire to honor and give You praise and Glory through all You’ve made me to be. May all I do be pleasing to You!

Thank you for Ryan and his vision with Four16. We move forward desiring to bring You honor, glory and praise through our efforts here. May Irene see and know through our trusting and our expecting of You, to be who You say You are as our teacher and provider, this road will be good. 

I lay before You my desire to control and instead put on everything You have for me. I already feel Your strength upon me, thank You! I cannot wait to share Your goodness, grace and peace with all today. To you Jesus be all glory!

Phew, to have penned all of that in one day, no wonder I’m desperate for Jesus! If I didn’t pour it alllllll out I would never be able to stand nor move forward.

Remembering and sharing about ‘those days’ for our family has me wondering if you’re still tracking with me. Turns out, our turning to Jesus in a new, full and fresh way makes for some interesting times. Another little something which came our way, totally unexpected, was a lawsuit.

Great! Uh, yeah… NO!!!

Ryan has always been, and still is an honorable and dedicated employee. Unfortunately, when he left the public firm he was previously working for to start his own accounting and tax business, the previous owner in a disgruntled manner decided to file a breach of contract lawsuit claiming Ryan was violating his non-compete clause, which he wasn’t but… this is the world.

In my experience it seems the majority of mankind (those claiming to let Jesus be their Lord and those who do not) struggle and tend more often than not, to make harsh and hurtful decisions in fear which are actually rooted in the lie of lack. Ryan was outside the mile perimeter outlined in his non-compete and he was not planning to serve any clients similar to those targeted by his previous employer. Prior to Ryan’s leaving he had sought legal counsel to be certain he was able to legally start Four16 (his business) but again when one is ‘wronged’ (which is how his boss felt) pride, fear and a need to be vindicated rises to the top of our existence and. can. win.

Our lawsuit ordeal went on for about 2 years. Really God! What on earth (Karah!), we are walking the path You lit?!?

Oh yeah, these temporary and fleeting issues are above the earth and we are to continue walking out our days obedient to You, in the manner You would have us.

In our case, just so you know the outcome, we chose to settle outside of court and we ended up paying a portion of his requested ‘damages.’ I still vividly remember praying over and for the heart of Ryan’s old boss but I remember also wanting to just. be. so. mad. at the man who was attacking our family through this lawsuit.

Only through Jesus can we pray for those who attack us and while my prayers didn’t make the situation easier it did allow us to endure and remain hopeful.

to be continued…