for you so that

continued from Week 48

I had experienced love to a degree and Ryan would say the same but this husband and wife thing turned out to be pretty complicated.

I, of course, was bringing into our marriage a stuffed suitcase of dysfunction and wrong thinking from my past experiences and Ryan had with himself a satchel of his own “stuff”. After experiencing unexpected and repetitive rejection from Ryan I vividly remember within our first first two months asking him a real and out loud question, “Why did you marry me?” and to it, he never gave an answer.

How would you respond? Can you hear your thoughts, what are they?

At 23, I was still a product of my past experiences and I hadn’t yet understood my soul (and sole) purpose of being fully loved and satisfied in and by God my Father through His gift of Jesus so… every day for the next 17 years I lived in such a way my actions should bring Ryan to loving me.

Those 17 years were heavy-hearted, exhausting and laden with sadness and anger. Every single night as we laid our heads down we wondered if our hearts could keep beating and like so many others we just kept going.

Deep down I knew our disjointedness was not meant to, or going to be our forever but… what happens when God makes known His goodness available to us through His covenant of marriage to just one half of the married?

This is His crossroad for all of us who are married; one road leading to His indescribable redemption of us as His son/daughter then possibly into a restored relationship with our spouse and the other road taking you into a deep dark valley where only discontentment and dissatisfaction grow, suffocating us as an individual and spreading to our spouse.

When we know we are to take God’s higher path for us in a situation like this (marriage) we still fight through the countless excuses and ‘why do I’s’ but finally, and true to who Jesus is, the half who has received Jesus’ full and satisfying love is set free! He or she then becomes able to love the unlovable and the undeserving with no expectations upon them and instead all, really all, their expectations placed upon God Himself.

Is He worth your all, your relationships, your marriage…?

Sounds like the perfect home to birth children into, you think?!? Better yet, how about three children in just over three years! Don’t get me completely wrong, Ryan and I had times when our smiles were genuine but we must tell our truth because Jesus deserves so much glory and while it’s true that it’s our story, it’s actually all His.

God has been so good to us, bringing our impossible mess of a marriage to one of unity, love, peace and joy! And… if He has done this for us, He is faithful to do for you!

Jesus, may we be Your fuel to fan the same fought for hope in others. ❤️

to be continued…