continued from Week 50
There was much happening in our days.
I was rising in the dark hours of the morning to meet with Jesus then head out for a jog, knowing my being out in this way served to be nourishment for me and upon my return I intended to nourish my three in return. His nourishment can come in so many ways. Another way we were nourished was in our shifting to homeschooling. While my plate was no less full of responsibilities and commitments, knowing I was able to live my days actually being present with our children almost immediately led our home into freedom. The tendencies within my personality make it so freedom isn’t easy to embrace. I’m grateful Jesus, who came to bring us into freedom, is also my Maker and He knows exactly what is necessary to put before me so that I am at least aware of His real invitation to actually live every minute of every day, fully free! As with others my acceptance and eventual embrace of freedom through full reliance on Him did not, and still isn’t occurring in full, instantly. (After all this is the human-saint condition, right?)
The time we gained as a family by choosing to homeschool was for me, a necessary season of coming to know my children for who they are versus who I expected them to be and become. There was something about not having to rush off to school which invited us to see each other clearer for who we were. And don’t get me wrong, some of our learning of each other was not what we’d wanted to see, even so, our days were good.
As the afternoon hours would come we’d still enjoy some alone time. Myself with a lovely cup of tea for an intentional reset time with Jesus and them in their own spaces often building, drawing and creating. I hope my three are given memories of those days because as I think of our current days (February of 2021, and now sharing publicly in 2025!) I am tempted to believe our kiddos have been numbed through the constant draw to interface digitally.
These thoughts are not thoughts which cause my heart to skip, instead these thoughts scream at me. They try to make me believe we MUST go back to those old days. I struggle through the lies within this wishful thinking and ultimately come to the understanding that our now is necessary too.
The truth is… our then was necessary. Period.
Yes, our then was necessary BUT it will only serve us now if we choose to bring with us into our now some of the good from those then experiences.
Ultimately, we and you alike, are meant to accept and embrace our now. It IS where God has us and there is still good. AND yay because for our now goodies will later be our then fueling yet another good now.
Back to then… our days were lovely but as the end of our daily quiet time would approached I could feel the work engine within me revving up. It was a regular feeling of unsettledness because after our down time I needed to be ready to leave for work and have all I needed for work to be ready. Supper needed to be ready and kids needed to be ready for supper. (Really though, who has time and energy for extra resistance given because of non-preferred food! I’m so glad my mom was correct in encouraging me to just keep serving what you know is good, the children won’t resist forever.) Anyway, my days crested at the point of Ryan walking in the door thus signaling my need to walk out. Those nights of baton passing were not conducive to full-family unity or couple connectedness. While I am sure many could live the flow of those days well, just know we did the best we could, and still… it was not best for us.
What does one do when they’re still perplexed by unsettledness and obvious toil?
I don’t know what others do but I knew to a g a i n ask Jesus about His promised abundant life. His answers always invite us into following Him, let’s say… one step closer.
Through much it became clear for me to quit work and the time came for me to communicate this to Ryan and his response was on point and cut deep as his wife.
After telling Ryan I was ready and willing to quit if he saw value and goodness in that. He said to me “What on earth (lol) made you even entertain this idea? Your quitting has never even been open for discussion.” (He had suggested to me many times over the past 18 months.) In his response I heard both the words he said and the words he didn’t say.
In many ways Ryan saw my dedication to my work as a hindrance to us as a family but the most pressing dedication issue, was in terms of my support of him and his work. Through his words I instantly understood why this change would be right and good but I definitely didn’t understand how it could be right and good.
Ryan was correct in what he said. My quitting was never an option because my work was our only income. My work was flexible. My work was a ministry. My work provided me dear friends. My work allowed me to earn trips, my work, my work, my work…These things were all true but for such a time as this, my work gets to come to its end.
God knows the best of all, for the good of all, always.
He knew if I knew before I quit how intertwined my identity was with my work I may not have been willing to walk away. My walking away from a personally built and successful business was ludicrous and foolish, said many. I understood and even agreed with the logic of their say-so. Had it not been crystal clear in my Spirit to leave, I don’t believe I would have.
My follow through to quit had ramifications. Deep down I knew there would be good because it was coming from God, but it was still hard to be calm as we waded through the high water knowing the other (even harder) changes which would need to be made.
Since my income with work was how we were affording to live and that would be no more, Ryan needed to reevaluate his business. He needed to cut his expenses so that he would be able to bring home a paycheck and while the last thing he wanted to do was let go of his employee, who was far more a friend than employee, he knew this was what he needed to do. It was his hope then, which he asked God to honor, to be able to grow the business substantially during the two months we had while I was still working, but even so, in order to honor his employee, he needed to let her know to plan for being let go.
I remember that day and I know Ryan does too because following His lead along His ways, hurts. (True.)
AND
God is faithful. (True.)
While I enjoyed the work I did, in my gut I resented being the sole provider for our family, especially because my income was sales based and totally unpredictable. I was able to work with a level of peace knowing God was with me but in the daily grind of it all, there was much emotion I didn’t know how to process. My work life was made for me by choices I didn’t make and yet was fully responsible for the outcome. My greatest feelings were that of being trapped in the stress of living on a sales based income and myself as wife, and the family as a whole unit not seeming to be a priority to Ryan. In my head this was ridiculous because it was for the family that Ryan was working as hard as he was, we just weren’t reaping any reward yet. Ryan having to shift his business allowing us to therefore receive a paycheck was a hug to my heart. BUT, I also have to point out for the sake of you, dear one, one step in following doesn’t bring only good because of course him not having his employee anymore created other challenges because now he was without help.
It’s still hard. (True.)
There are God gifts. (True.)
The first time we were together as a family after I had communicated to my team I would be quitting (effective Jan 2014) and Ryan having let his employee go, was surreal. To this point we only knew stress and struggle and while this new change wasn’t going to be without stress and struggle there was a felt difference in the hope which surrounded the days to come.
For 17 years I had asked God to unify Ryan and I. These decisions made and actions taken with regards to our work changes started something new for us on His path of unification.
Keeping it real… this step was onto the first brick laid of His million brick journey.
for you so that 
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