for you so that

continued from Week 49

How can so many words pour forth as I reflect on just this one year of 2013? I’ve arrived now at the last quarter of our year of community. We are three months into homeschooling and a few extra into our new church and marriage group all while we each are still working, working, working. 

From my journal, October 3, 2013

My Lord, Father God who is in heaven (I am instantly given deep and satisfying breath, thank you!) Holy of Holies You. alone. are! At the mere thought of You Father I am reverent, may this remain true through me as You alone are all powerful. You alone are my God. 

Your kingdom come — we are here! Your will be done — with me, in and with peace.

Have I really been that stubborn again? Honestly, am I learning anything about living abandoned to You, for You? I know I am. How far out on the string lead, which You are still holding, am I? I have let myself drift there. You’ve led me to be free there.

You placed upon my heart to be aware of “community” and in and through it all You’ve let me see there is no community within my work. There is service. There are beautiful women. There is work. But, they are not my community. Asking, seeking and praying for my heart’s desire to be realized I assumed my work would lead me into more good experiences instead it has been a headache, a heartache… and here I am.  

Give us this day our daily bread. On the heels of being showered by Your love, goodness and kindness through Sarah, Sherrie, Christi and Denise. May fear NOT be what delays what You DO have for me! 

I’d like to say now there are some quivers in my gut about the reality of leaving my work and the outcome it may bring. Am I willing again, to move, sell and give away everything in order to still be able to live? For the record… Yes, I would because You have gifted me, my earthly self, with the revelation of who You are! All always in Your perfect timing.

Father, will you please keep fresh in my heart and mind some of the most powerful words spoken into my life by Sarah S. yesterday. You were there with us. I have the sense in my heart that it will be okay and more peace is coming through my leaving work. I know to follow through with this change. In Your nudging of me over these past days and weeks why have I never taken the thought of quitting past “Why would I quit?”

Father, You are in the higher places past our thoughts. I do trust You. I do believe You. You are my daily bread and I know my physical needs will be met. Forgive me for my delay. Forgive me for dissing Ryan. Forgive me for trusting my own efforts. Forgive me for not just chewing on Your living Word alone. I know You are good to me and my self-serving heart issues didn’t keep You from me. You still delight in me. 

Recalling the time when my heart was seared by Ryan’s words that I “haven’t supported him.” Ugh. He can say this and he can mean it but Jesus, he hasn’t seen the support from my heart. Jesus, You know all we’ve worked through over the past 2+ years regarding his business venture, I am asking You to make known to Ryan’s heart the support I do have for him, this can only come through You. I guess though, with my stepping down from work, I am now invited into a new role of ‘supporting him’ may it be felt.

Lord, lead me not into temptation to not believe. I beg You. The conversation with Sarah today was full of strong words challenging me to consider where I’ve come from and where is it that I’m wanting to go, where are You leading me to go? With all You have made me to be Lord, don’t let me lay earthly logic over this decision to quit which would bring me to being a mental mess. I feel the target upon me and sense the questions that may come, do not let me fall away from Your set higher way here.

Do I believe You are who You say You are? Yes!

Can You sustain us and bring our family into a time of thriving. Yes!

Do I have Your love and favor as a daughter? Yes!

Is my purpose to boast? No.

Will people think I am crazy and wrong for quitting? Likely, yes. That’s okay, I’m okay!

As I’ve now penned this for the first time, You have restored my breath. As I think further about what this transition will be like and what conversations I will have, my heart hurts but it’s got to be good! It will be good.

Deliver me God from the evil which is real but let the target I know is upon me stay so that others may know it is You who I serve. May the lies I struggle to silence be defeated by Your Spirit within me. Thank you for these words from Your sister saints for me…

Jesus I commit to You my all including ‘the all’ of today. Let me feel Your presence with me and through me may others see, hear and feel You!

to be continued…